We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar
For the past while, I've been in a rather dark mood and unable to see much rosiness, happiness, beauty, or whatever you wanna call it in the universe. Feeling unloved, under appreciated, and wounded, the last few months have been a struggle. At times I've been full of anger, sadness, and nerves. Other times I've been deflated, hollow, dry, and puddled like a liquid clock in a surrealist's world. Last night in particular I was feeling unfriended, icky from my unhealthful food, full of frustration, and eventually just tired.
Though I feel self-indulgent and a little embarrassed to admit this, I somehow feel compelled to spill the auto-biography of my pain. Nevertheless, I think much can be learned from a dark night of living through miserable feelings. For example, despite it all, I found some enthusiasms for life again last night, and it all connects back to an actress and her book.
About a month ago Sissy Spacek was coming to my city to talk about her memoir, My Extraordinary Ordinary Life, replete with tales of growing up in Texas and making it in the film industry. One of the most striking things in her book is how solidly well-formed her childhood was. It seems this gave her what she needed for later success. Her father and mother were supportive and positive. Seeing Sissy being interviewed live was amazing. The hour flew by; I could have listened to her forever as she regaled stories of working on Carrie and meeting her husband and having Bill Paxton house sit (disastrous though it was) for her when he was young. When I had her sign my copy, she was so genuine and kind. Full of grace and charm.
Though I had read most of the memoir the day before meeting her, I still had the last 60 pages to go. Picking up the book last night, I read about when her mother passed. Her mother was her 'travel companion' who was such a positive influence. In fact, Sissy writes that her mother's favorite bible verses included passages enjoining an optimistic attitude: Philippians 4:8 and Proverbs 23:7.
So, I read Philippians 4:8, which says, 'Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.'
Wow! This is exactly what I needed to hear at this moment for here I was feeling very depleted and absolutely done with everyone and everything. And then, I was hit with this 'a-ha' as Oprah would call it. Yes, life can be really shitty and dirty and hard, but there are also good things to enjoy and realize. Yet, it is so very difficult to think on these things because many times the brain clings only to those negative aspects of living.
Now, I've subscribed to positive thinking before; however, I have also dangerously repressed any other feelings that were present in my flow of feelings. So, I think we must exercise care in handling our outlook. We can't ignore parts of life, or if we do, it coils itself up and readies itself to strike back. And, when it strikes, it hurts. It is better to accept all of life -- its hurts, its pains, its messes, its beauty, its joy, its wellness-- than just part of it. Things are going to be annoying, hurtful, angering, frustrating, but things are also going to fun, uplifting, lovely, and relaxing too. It helps to see all of life and to calmly notice and accept our reaction to it. The negative, when it does come, can be transformed if we also are able to see that there is a good there too. Thich Nhat Hanh writes about how important smiles are and shares a poem:
I have lost my smile,
but don't worry.
The dandelion has it.
I'm still sad today but feeling better. I have a dry erase board in my office, and I decided to have little reminders of the good things in life. I drew a dandelion on one side. On the other, I made a 'Think on These Things' List, under which I wrote:
Yummy yogurt
A great friend
An amazing book
A wonderful smile :)
This was the antidote to every negativity I felt this weekend. So, I hope you may find your dandelion to hold your smile and help you when you feel down.
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