Thinking on These Things

Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar



For the past while, I've been in a rather dark mood and unable to see much rosiness, happiness, beauty, or whatever you wanna call it in the universe. Feeling unloved, under appreciated, and wounded, the last few months have been a struggle. At times I've been full of anger, sadness, and nerves. Other times I've been deflated, hollow, dry, and puddled like a liquid clock in a surrealist's world.  Last night in particular I was feeling unfriended, icky from my unhealthful food, full of frustration, and eventually just tired.

Though I feel self-indulgent and a little embarrassed to admit this, I somehow feel compelled to spill the auto-biography of my pain. Nevertheless, I think much can be learned from a dark night of living through miserable feelings. For example, despite it all, I found some enthusiasms for life again last night, and it all connects back to an actress and her book.

About a month ago Sissy Spacek was coming to my city to talk about her memoir, My Extraordinary Ordinary Life, replete with tales of growing up in Texas and making it in the film industry. One of the most striking things in her book is how solidly well-formed her childhood was. It seems this gave her what she needed for later success. Her father and mother were supportive and positive. Seeing Sissy being interviewed live was amazing. The hour flew by; I could have listened to her forever as she regaled stories of working on Carrie and meeting her husband and having Bill Paxton house sit (disastrous though it was) for her when he was young. When I had her sign my copy, she was so genuine and kind. Full of grace and charm.



Though I had read most of the memoir the day before meeting her, I still had the last 60 pages to go. Picking up the book last night, I read about when her mother passed. Her mother was her 'travel companion' who was such a positive influence. In fact, Sissy writes that her mother's favorite bible verses included passages enjoining an optimistic attitude: Philippians 4:8 and Proverbs 23:7.

So, I read Philippians 4:8, which says, 'Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.'

Wow! This is exactly what I needed to hear at this moment for here I was feeling very depleted and absolutely done with everyone and everything. And then, I was hit with this 'a-ha' as Oprah would call it. Yes, life can be really shitty and dirty and hard, but there are also good things to enjoy and realize. Yet, it is so very difficult to think on these things because many times the brain clings only to those negative aspects of living.

Now, I've subscribed to positive thinking before; however, I have also dangerously repressed any other feelings that were present in my flow of feelings. So, I think we must exercise care in handling our outlook. We can't ignore parts of life, or if we do, it coils itself up and readies itself to strike back. And, when it strikes, it hurts. It is better to accept all of life -- its hurts, its pains, its messes, its beauty, its joy, its wellness-- than just part of it. Things are going to be annoying, hurtful, angering, frustrating, but things are also going to fun, uplifting, lovely, and relaxing too. It helps to see all of life and to calmly notice and accept our reaction to it.  The negative, when it does come, can be transformed if we also are able to see that there is a good there too. Thich Nhat Hanh writes about how important smiles are and shares a poem:

I have lost my smile,
but don't worry.
The dandelion has it.

I'm still sad today but feeling better. I have a dry erase board in my office, and I decided to have little reminders of the good things in life. I drew a dandelion on one side. On the other, I made a 'Think on These Things' List, under which I wrote:

Yummy yogurt
A great friend
An amazing book
A wonderful smile :)

This was the antidote to every negativity I felt this weekend. So, I hope you may find your dandelion to hold your smile and help you when you feel down.

Veggie Log

In my attempts at ‘greener' eating, I decided to start cutting up some raw veggies to eat on.  Partly, this is in hopes of detoxing from my food hangover of bad eating. This year's Memorial Day weekend was filled with a lot of food, and overzealously I supped way too much on delicious Mexicali dip, pizza, Thai food, Pete’s donuts, and the requisite, patriotic hot dogs. Supposedly, an abundant food stock helps insure we eat less because we don’t get that fear of running out and being hungry. However, this theory does not hold up well, for we had enough food for a doom shelter, and I still ate ate ate.

The road to veggie consumption is paved with healthful dips

Raw vegetables are so wonderful: the crispy crunch of celery, the fresh scent of cut-up cucumbers, and the sweet juiciness of carrots are about the best eating experiences in the world. Though some taste buds, accustomed to salt, sugar, and lots of flavors, might find raw vegetables dull, leaving much to be desired. In this case, dips come in handy. There are a variety of flavorful dips out there, some of which are more healthful than others. One of my favorites is probably chocked full of fats and salts as it involves sour cream and a soup mix. This one I plan to eat occasionally.

However, there are better options, chocked full of good proteins and fiber.  For example, I love the flavors and texture of hummus; it is the perfect dip and good for you too. There are several shades, hues, flavors, and types of hummus, and you can make it at home quite easily (see recipe links below). I like to make traditional hummus and black bean hummus, especially if I’m feeling a little spicier. Eating veggies with hummus provides a flavorful and nutritious meal or snack. 

The Cost of Consuming Health

Often there is a fear that eating healthy means spending more; however, this is not necessarily the case. Check out this NPR story about this very issue.  Luckily, having fresh veggies is an affordable way to get more nutrients into your body.  Here’s a nice resource for lots of good veggie information: www.fruitsandveggiesmatter.gov.

I love the Whole Foods' recipe for black bean hummus.  For a more traditional recipe, check out the Barefoot Contessa’s Hummus recipe.

Just Doing the Dishes of Everyday Life

'I am no prophet -- and here's no great matter' -- Prufrock

Recently I listened to an NPR story about the chanting monks at The Monastery of Christ in the Desert. Rather strikingly the monks being interviewed briefly talked about the 'purposeful' monotony of everydayness in the monastery. Having retreated to an abbey a few times, I can vouch for this. The monks there were on a routine: they rose, they prayed the 'Hours' eight times a day on schedule, they worked, they ate at the prescribed times, and they went to bed. Then they got up and did it all over again.

In my daily life, I despise tasks that become monotonous, especially at work. I desire a job where I do not get bored and can avoid the routine -- you know, those tasks that become mindless because you've done them way too much. I have yet to find this dream job. Obviously, I don't know how well I could 'monk' it out in the desert for very long. My one-week retreats were exciting because they were new. But, what would I do once I hit that point where I get tired of the same things? Would the prayers just become mere words after a while? Would I passively resist my duties? Would I try to sneak out to catch the latest picture show?

Perhaps I would do better to embrace the monotonousness of life because as the monks of the desert monastery suggest, the monotony is an opportunity to develop an inner life. And perhaps there would be great creativity in those inner moments. If everything on the surface is status quo, then we have an opportunity to turn inward. Yet, maybe this is why repetitivity becomes so discomforting because all you have left is the inner you to tune in to, and sometimes people run from themselves (I know I do). A good friend once told me he couldn't be alone with himself too long because he gets too in his head. I've read that this phenomenon occurs when people have to endure silence --another key aspect of the monastery as there are usually designated places of quiet.

I'm not saying everything in my life has to be routine or that I shouldn't change things up when I want or that I should give up on more interesting work. I'm just thinking that maybe the routines that I find dreadful could be more enriching if I just learn how to 'be' in those moments. Maybe the routine would then become some of the best moments of living. Thich Nhat Han says doing the dishes can be a joy for 'not only do we do the dishes in order to have clean dishes, we also do the dishes just to do the dishes, to live fully in each moment while washing them' (p27 Peace is Every Step).

I want to learn how to live fully during the daily routine of life. Maybe there are all sorts of little treasures to find in the 'butt-ends of my days and ways'.

Burnin' Crazy

Burnout. Not a fun experience to say the least. It's like every ounce of excitement and motivation you had for life and/or work was beaten out of you. Your energy is low, you're easily angered, and you just can't function like you did. You may have a change in sleep patterns, in weight (if only this meant reduction for me, then maybe I'd see a positive side to this burnout monster), and in personal relationships. There are a slew of resources detailing burnout. One helpful article I read was here. Dr. Oz even did a show on it.

Burnout stems from being overly stressed for a period of time. In my case, I recently reached burnout from taking on a new responsibilities and not making changes so as to not overextend myself. This year, I started a MA in English Studies, which is truly a labor of love! But, I already had many roles: caregiver (as needed to my family), full-time employee, partner, homeowner, and my usual take-on-the-weight-of-the-world-cause-I'm-supposed-to mentality. Largely, this is all due to not listening to a little voice inside that says 'NO' to some things.  I realize I've got to make some changes in my lifestyle. I've been living (or is it living?) through 14 hour workdays a lot on little sleep and worrying to death over whether other people were ok and got what they wanted.

I've been here before. Usually, my way out has been to disengage from everything, which can be damaging. Sometimes the repercussions have hurt (loss of a letter grade in a class I had an A average, for example). I remember times when I just lay in bed all day and only did the most essential things for getting by. That's all a burned out person can do sometimes because that person's nerves are just stretched till the elasticity is popped like worn-out underwear.

This Memorial Day weekend, I went away for a few days, which gave me time to reflect a little on what I need to do to clim my way out of burn out.

Here is my Rx for taking care of me:

• Get more sleep
• Exercise
• Eat better (goes back to the green post)
• Not work during my lunch break
• Say no when I need to
• Allot time for things and stop working when I need to
• Get a new job (this one is important because I don't enjoy my work anymore)
• Have concern for others but make sure I'm taken care of too
• Journal to vent

Change does not happen right away, so it's not like I can unilaterally make all of these things happen at once. But, I can work at these! I've got to to recharge and get revitalized again, so I can enjoy my enthusiasms for living!

New Directions: Green Living

Something about going (more) green sounds so wholesome, good, and right to me. My gut says yes, my head says I need to know more. Being more of a gut person by about an inch, I've decided to do what feels right and  find out how I could green my life with home improvements, support of local and sustainable agriculture, and by eating more green things. To me, green could be more of an all-around way of life. Perhaps green is a good ontology (philosphy about being) for my world-view.

Green Home

Greening my home will be a longer, more invovled process. I live in a 1950s, cottage house in the city. It's way too drafty, and so it loses more energy than it should for a mere 900 square feet. The first step I think is to take part in the local electric company's green initiative and sign up for an in-home energy inspection, which will find all of the ineficiencies in my house. The fee is $50 here, but is refundable if I do $150.00 or more of the recommended repairs. If I do the repairs by a recommended contractor, I can get 50% up to $500 given to me by the power company. Sounds like a good deal. I know right off I need attic insulation, a better water heater, and probably a new heat-pump. Before I go the power company route, though, I want to check out some other organizations who do this kind of home inspection and work.

Idealy, I would love to start over, but I'm not in a position to sell my house right now. If I could leave my current house and secure some good land, I would love to built a green home from as many natural sources as possible. Simon Dale, in Wales, built his family a "hobbit" home in the forrest out of natural and local materials. See photo below from the article I read.

Simon Dale's Hobbit Home - Photo from Inhabitat

This home was built for £3,000 (around $5000.00) and is completely off the grid. Beutiful design with grass covering over the roof, it is symbol of ecological wonder. This house is low impact visually and environmentally.

I hope to learn more about these type of homes and maybe incorporate some of this at my current house.

Green Agriculture

Local and organic food seems the most green option to me.

Admittedly, I'm quite ignorant of how to grow organic. However, I plan to remedy this by learning more about how to grow some of my own food. My yard presents a slight problem because there is so much shade cover, but I might find veggies that grow ok in shade. I have one spot that might get more direct sunlight than all the rest. Perhaps that could be the site of a raised garden bed.

Besides growing at my house, I would like to support local farms. Luckily, my area has plenty of farmer's markets, and there are a few farms that offer CSA where people can buy shares of the produce. But, part of me wants to be more engaged than this. One solution to my shaded acreage is to take part in a community garden, or maybe start one! This could be a great opportuntiy for community to happen and for healthful foods to grow.

Green Eating

While this is related to green ag, I think it works as a separate category for me. I want to more green things in order to lose weight, to feel better, to look better, and to be healthier. I don't necessarily mean that all the foods have to be the color green, but whole, unprocessed vegetables and fruits is what I do mean.

I have become an addict to 'bad' foods; I find myself hating yet desiring fast food, highly processed snacks, and lots of meat. I want to change my diet to be less impacting on the environment and on my body. I'm not saying I will become totally vegan or vegetarian even, but I want to reduce my reliance on animal products and eat more vegies!

I want to go green as much as possible so I can be good to the earth and to me. I don't have a specific date for these changes, but slowly moving over to a green vision seems like the best plan.  And, I'm just beginning to look into this, so over time, I will have much more information and experience.

Buen Camino! Walking through Life

Jealousy and happiness -- that's what I was feeling this morning as I dropped off my friend at the airport. This is the beginning of her journey on the Camino de Santiago, a pilgrimage trail hundreds of years old that goes across northern Spain.  I am happy for her, but I so wish I were going too. However, one day I will get on my hiking boots and walk 500 miles to the cathedral where St. James (you know one of the twelve Apostles) is reportedly buried.


(Cathedral in Santiago - Photo from Wikipedia)

I sent a little sealed letter addressed to God with my friend. She graciously said she would carry my small letter that I folded into a small rectangle and inscribed "For God on the Camino de Santiago". It feels nice sending my requests to God with an entrusted friend on pilgrimage. But, it was also quite nerve wracking. I put some pretty life-changing intentions in my letter. Fear washed over me as I wondered, 'What if it comes true? Can I really handle this? Do I really want these changes? Oh, shit! What am I asking God for?' Thing is, these are some needed changes, but I just need a little push from the universe and some divine help to make them to happen. Yet, my feelings oscillate between hopeful relief and neck-tingling anxiety. Oh well, I asked for it!

Pilgrims -- Image from Wikipedia

Although I'm not physically striding along the path to Santiago with my friend, I am there with her in spirit. I realize that I have my own daily pilgrimage to make -- one that is pretty arduous right now. She will experience right away the difficult slopes of the French Alps, she will go on to know cold communal showers and sweaty refugio beds, she will discover quaint Spanish villages, and she will meet many people from all over. I will have my own difficulties and exciting moments in my walk here. So, I have the Camino in my heart, even though it is not under my feet.

But, one day I will know Camino with my body and soul, especially if one of the prayers gets answered!

Something missing? How to feel more fulfilled.

My life sometimes feels like it is missing something. A certain je ne sais quoi. Currently, I'm working on a paper about Deliverance. The novel's readers seem to have believed that Deliverance provided an authentic view of a primitive and untouched Appalachia. The character Lewis Medlock believes that  the mountains are a site for self-dertermination and survival. Sometimes I feel disconcerted with modern life, and get tired of just 'sliding' through as Ed does in his advertising job. Is this office environment right for me?

Unlike Lewis, I don't mind living in suburbia (my house feels like it's in the country thanks to the old, old trees and the privacy of wildly uncontrolled bushes along my fence row). And, as good as it sounds, I'm sure taking to the hills will give me a more authentic life. But, I am kinda worn out with the daily living. My therapist says I'm burnt out with responsibilties. He's right. Most of my time feels like a to do list. I'm not saying I'm always busy -- I passively resist my own duties with some good amounts of procratisnation -- but everything is a chore these days, and I'm tired of it.

So, how to feel more authentic and fullfilled? I'm no expert, but it seems all so simple. Yet, sometimes the simplest things are the hardest. Here's what I'm going to try to do to alleviate some of this dullness and feeling of missing out:

1. Be present with what I'm doing.  I'm so good at worrying about all the other things while I'm doing just one thing. Maybe if I focus on just the task at hand I can find enjoyment in it.

2. Make time for me.  Sometimes we just need to make time and space for ourselves. Even if I end up not doing anything with the time I've set aside other than just 'being', then I've loved myself enough to allow me to refresh.

3. Embrace more adventure. Ok, so I'm a weenie when it comes to some things. Like, I am scared to death of heights, so sky diving wouldn't be my idea of an adventure. But, lately, I've had the hankering to learn how to kayak or canoe down a river, particularly the Chattooga because of the Deliverance connection.

4. Enjoy time with others.  It feels nice to do things that you commonly enjoy with those in your life who get you. It also feels nice just 'be' with people. We need more 'being' in the world.

5. Look for meaningful work. Just having a job for the job's sake can suck the life out of you. My father's attitude was that you take a job and work it, even if you hate it. This has never worked out for me so well. I'm not good at the sucking it up and doing it. Don't get me wrong, I'm employed and will work whatever for survival. But, I think it is important not settle for just mere ends meet. If you love it, it doesn't feel like work, or so I've heard.

Perhaps this list will change and grow as I try it out. But, I hope to find a way out of this boredom with life and this sense of incompleteness. I've heard we are already whole as we are. So, I guess we just have to learn how to find this wholeness inside.