Burnin' Crazy

Burnout. Not a fun experience to say the least. It's like every ounce of excitement and motivation you had for life and/or work was beaten out of you. Your energy is low, you're easily angered, and you just can't function like you did. You may have a change in sleep patterns, in weight (if only this meant reduction for me, then maybe I'd see a positive side to this burnout monster), and in personal relationships. There are a slew of resources detailing burnout. One helpful article I read was here. Dr. Oz even did a show on it.

Burnout stems from being overly stressed for a period of time. In my case, I recently reached burnout from taking on a new responsibilities and not making changes so as to not overextend myself. This year, I started a MA in English Studies, which is truly a labor of love! But, I already had many roles: caregiver (as needed to my family), full-time employee, partner, homeowner, and my usual take-on-the-weight-of-the-world-cause-I'm-supposed-to mentality. Largely, this is all due to not listening to a little voice inside that says 'NO' to some things.  I realize I've got to make some changes in my lifestyle. I've been living (or is it living?) through 14 hour workdays a lot on little sleep and worrying to death over whether other people were ok and got what they wanted.

I've been here before. Usually, my way out has been to disengage from everything, which can be damaging. Sometimes the repercussions have hurt (loss of a letter grade in a class I had an A average, for example). I remember times when I just lay in bed all day and only did the most essential things for getting by. That's all a burned out person can do sometimes because that person's nerves are just stretched till the elasticity is popped like worn-out underwear.

This Memorial Day weekend, I went away for a few days, which gave me time to reflect a little on what I need to do to clim my way out of burn out.

Here is my Rx for taking care of me:

• Get more sleep
• Exercise
• Eat better (goes back to the green post)
• Not work during my lunch break
• Say no when I need to
• Allot time for things and stop working when I need to
• Get a new job (this one is important because I don't enjoy my work anymore)
• Have concern for others but make sure I'm taken care of too
• Journal to vent

Change does not happen right away, so it's not like I can unilaterally make all of these things happen at once. But, I can work at these! I've got to to recharge and get revitalized again, so I can enjoy my enthusiasms for living!

New Directions: Green Living

Something about going (more) green sounds so wholesome, good, and right to me. My gut says yes, my head says I need to know more. Being more of a gut person by about an inch, I've decided to do what feels right and  find out how I could green my life with home improvements, support of local and sustainable agriculture, and by eating more green things. To me, green could be more of an all-around way of life. Perhaps green is a good ontology (philosphy about being) for my world-view.

Green Home

Greening my home will be a longer, more invovled process. I live in a 1950s, cottage house in the city. It's way too drafty, and so it loses more energy than it should for a mere 900 square feet. The first step I think is to take part in the local electric company's green initiative and sign up for an in-home energy inspection, which will find all of the ineficiencies in my house. The fee is $50 here, but is refundable if I do $150.00 or more of the recommended repairs. If I do the repairs by a recommended contractor, I can get 50% up to $500 given to me by the power company. Sounds like a good deal. I know right off I need attic insulation, a better water heater, and probably a new heat-pump. Before I go the power company route, though, I want to check out some other organizations who do this kind of home inspection and work.

Idealy, I would love to start over, but I'm not in a position to sell my house right now. If I could leave my current house and secure some good land, I would love to built a green home from as many natural sources as possible. Simon Dale, in Wales, built his family a "hobbit" home in the forrest out of natural and local materials. See photo below from the article I read.

Simon Dale's Hobbit Home - Photo from Inhabitat

This home was built for £3,000 (around $5000.00) and is completely off the grid. Beutiful design with grass covering over the roof, it is symbol of ecological wonder. This house is low impact visually and environmentally.

I hope to learn more about these type of homes and maybe incorporate some of this at my current house.

Green Agriculture

Local and organic food seems the most green option to me.

Admittedly, I'm quite ignorant of how to grow organic. However, I plan to remedy this by learning more about how to grow some of my own food. My yard presents a slight problem because there is so much shade cover, but I might find veggies that grow ok in shade. I have one spot that might get more direct sunlight than all the rest. Perhaps that could be the site of a raised garden bed.

Besides growing at my house, I would like to support local farms. Luckily, my area has plenty of farmer's markets, and there are a few farms that offer CSA where people can buy shares of the produce. But, part of me wants to be more engaged than this. One solution to my shaded acreage is to take part in a community garden, or maybe start one! This could be a great opportuntiy for community to happen and for healthful foods to grow.

Green Eating

While this is related to green ag, I think it works as a separate category for me. I want to more green things in order to lose weight, to feel better, to look better, and to be healthier. I don't necessarily mean that all the foods have to be the color green, but whole, unprocessed vegetables and fruits is what I do mean.

I have become an addict to 'bad' foods; I find myself hating yet desiring fast food, highly processed snacks, and lots of meat. I want to change my diet to be less impacting on the environment and on my body. I'm not saying I will become totally vegan or vegetarian even, but I want to reduce my reliance on animal products and eat more vegies!

I want to go green as much as possible so I can be good to the earth and to me. I don't have a specific date for these changes, but slowly moving over to a green vision seems like the best plan.  And, I'm just beginning to look into this, so over time, I will have much more information and experience.

Buen Camino! Walking through Life

Jealousy and happiness -- that's what I was feeling this morning as I dropped off my friend at the airport. This is the beginning of her journey on the Camino de Santiago, a pilgrimage trail hundreds of years old that goes across northern Spain.  I am happy for her, but I so wish I were going too. However, one day I will get on my hiking boots and walk 500 miles to the cathedral where St. James (you know one of the twelve Apostles) is reportedly buried.


(Cathedral in Santiago - Photo from Wikipedia)

I sent a little sealed letter addressed to God with my friend. She graciously said she would carry my small letter that I folded into a small rectangle and inscribed "For God on the Camino de Santiago". It feels nice sending my requests to God with an entrusted friend on pilgrimage. But, it was also quite nerve wracking. I put some pretty life-changing intentions in my letter. Fear washed over me as I wondered, 'What if it comes true? Can I really handle this? Do I really want these changes? Oh, shit! What am I asking God for?' Thing is, these are some needed changes, but I just need a little push from the universe and some divine help to make them to happen. Yet, my feelings oscillate between hopeful relief and neck-tingling anxiety. Oh well, I asked for it!

Pilgrims -- Image from Wikipedia

Although I'm not physically striding along the path to Santiago with my friend, I am there with her in spirit. I realize that I have my own daily pilgrimage to make -- one that is pretty arduous right now. She will experience right away the difficult slopes of the French Alps, she will go on to know cold communal showers and sweaty refugio beds, she will discover quaint Spanish villages, and she will meet many people from all over. I will have my own difficulties and exciting moments in my walk here. So, I have the Camino in my heart, even though it is not under my feet.

But, one day I will know Camino with my body and soul, especially if one of the prayers gets answered!

Something missing? How to feel more fulfilled.

My life sometimes feels like it is missing something. A certain je ne sais quoi. Currently, I'm working on a paper about Deliverance. The novel's readers seem to have believed that Deliverance provided an authentic view of a primitive and untouched Appalachia. The character Lewis Medlock believes that  the mountains are a site for self-dertermination and survival. Sometimes I feel disconcerted with modern life, and get tired of just 'sliding' through as Ed does in his advertising job. Is this office environment right for me?

Unlike Lewis, I don't mind living in suburbia (my house feels like it's in the country thanks to the old, old trees and the privacy of wildly uncontrolled bushes along my fence row). And, as good as it sounds, I'm sure taking to the hills will give me a more authentic life. But, I am kinda worn out with the daily living. My therapist says I'm burnt out with responsibilties. He's right. Most of my time feels like a to do list. I'm not saying I'm always busy -- I passively resist my own duties with some good amounts of procratisnation -- but everything is a chore these days, and I'm tired of it.

So, how to feel more authentic and fullfilled? I'm no expert, but it seems all so simple. Yet, sometimes the simplest things are the hardest. Here's what I'm going to try to do to alleviate some of this dullness and feeling of missing out:

1. Be present with what I'm doing.  I'm so good at worrying about all the other things while I'm doing just one thing. Maybe if I focus on just the task at hand I can find enjoyment in it.

2. Make time for me.  Sometimes we just need to make time and space for ourselves. Even if I end up not doing anything with the time I've set aside other than just 'being', then I've loved myself enough to allow me to refresh.

3. Embrace more adventure. Ok, so I'm a weenie when it comes to some things. Like, I am scared to death of heights, so sky diving wouldn't be my idea of an adventure. But, lately, I've had the hankering to learn how to kayak or canoe down a river, particularly the Chattooga because of the Deliverance connection.

4. Enjoy time with others.  It feels nice to do things that you commonly enjoy with those in your life who get you. It also feels nice just 'be' with people. We need more 'being' in the world.

5. Look for meaningful work. Just having a job for the job's sake can suck the life out of you. My father's attitude was that you take a job and work it, even if you hate it. This has never worked out for me so well. I'm not good at the sucking it up and doing it. Don't get me wrong, I'm employed and will work whatever for survival. But, I think it is important not settle for just mere ends meet. If you love it, it doesn't feel like work, or so I've heard.

Perhaps this list will change and grow as I try it out. But, I hope to find a way out of this boredom with life and this sense of incompleteness. I've heard we are already whole as we are. So, I guess we just have to learn how to find this wholeness inside.

Poem in my Pocket

Tomorrow is Poem In Your Pocket Day! See http://www.poets.org/page.php/prmID/406 for more details. Across the country, people will have the opportunity to carry a poem in their pockets to share with friends, family, or colleagues. I thought about selecting a few favorite lays, writing them out on fancy stationery, and handing them out to my co-workers while happily announcing, "Happy Poem in Your Pocket Day!" This might be a bit too much work, but I like the idea. Settling for something more economical, I'm probably just going to email everyone my favorite poem.

What fine lines have struck my fancy so much that I them favorite? Certainly, lines from Eliot's Prufrock have staying power. That good metaphysical sonnet from John Donne -- Death Be Not Proud -- dances around in the brain. Yet, perhaps the poem that means the most to me is from the Romantic Period. Wordsworth's Lines Written in Early Spring has resonated since I took a survey course called British Literature II, which started with the Romantic Period and went through the 20th Century.

Lines Written in Early Spring

I heard a thousand blended notes,

While in a grove I sate reclined,

In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts

Bring sad thoughts to the mind.

To her fair works did Nature link

The human soul that through me ran;

And much it grieved my heart to think

What man has made of man.

Through primrose tufts, in that green bower,

The periwinkle trailed its wreaths;

And ’tis my faith that every flower

Enjoys the air it breathes.

The birds around me hopped and played,

Their thoughts I cannot measure:—

But the least motion which they made

It seemed a thrill of pleasure.

The budding twigs spread out their fan,

To catch the breezy air;

And I must think, do all I can,

That there was pleasure there.

If this belief from heaven be sent,

If such be Nature’s holy plan,

Have I not reason to lament

What man has made of man?

(Text from Poetry.org)

I will share this poem tomorrow. I hope many people partake in this as I think it is a great way to talk about the creative works which have personal meaning. Happy sharing!

Radnor Lake

This week has been a struggle with balancing work, school, yard work (spring flipped out way too early!), and social life. (I actually went out this week)! Yet, I feel exhausted and there is nothing like a wonderful walk in the woods to cleanse your spirit. I always feel light and happy there among the forest trees as the smells of nature always put me in a good mood. Though I live in the city, there is a wooded oasis with trails that run over ridges and meander around a beautiful lake: Radnor Lake.

A Radnor Lake sunrise (Photo by Charles)

To keep it feeling like nature, the Radnor Lake  Preserve does not allow running, biking, or the bringing of pets on the trail. While this might seem restrictive, this protects the woods and its inhabitants and lets the community enjoy the nature. I usually hike the trails on early to midmorning Sundays and see lots of deer. The trail is dirt but mulched in places. After a nice hike, I feel renewed and refreshed! If you are in Nashville, TN and like nature and walking, I highly recommend going! It is only about 15 minutes out of downtown.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty is usually a disquieting word as it conveys a negativity. Uncertainty, it seems, in most situations seems to suggest that there is probably something bad about to happen. We hear it said that 'life expectancy is uncertain', 'it is uncertain if we will succeed', or 'this economy is uncertain'.

However, to me, uncertainty is not so scary. Nay, it is the essence of life. Perhaps it is even godlike and should be the principle of life -- thus we  could capitalize it with a U (the great U). A horseshoe shape isn't such a bad symbol for the meaning of life, is it? In any case, what I mean is that uncertainty is much less dramatic if we think about it. We can certainly be uncertain about danger lurking ahead or about calamity striking at any moment; however, we also know that we can be uncertain about the possibility of something wonderful happening. Uncertainty, in my mind, conveys both sides of this danger/no danger binary--I think underneath the word uncertainty is possibility.

In therapy yesterday, I felt comfort in the fact that much is uncertain. And that is perhaps because I've seen much around me that shows just how uncertain life is. Instead of running scared from the big bad uncertainty monster, maybe we should just embrace it. I felt I had embraced this fuzzy sense of unknowing called uncertainty by yesterday about mid-therapy session. My therapist had asked me what theme I thought the session had. I responded, "In short, life is uncertain!"

We really don't know if we are going to be alive or dead from one moment to the next. There is a probability that most of us will make it to the golden years, but we cannot bank on it. However, there are several possibilities along a spectrum of outcomes! We must remember that there is no black and white, but a spectrum of colors. This is the power of the word uncertain. "I am uncertain what my grade will be in my class," one might say. What this person means is that he/she is not sure if she/he is getting  a passing grade. However,  it may be an A, B, C, D, or F. There are a range of possibilities.

All of life's outcomes are singular options from a cornucopia of many realities. Yes, something horrible may happen, but something good might just as easily happen. So, the next time you hear or read the word "uncertainty", please take comfort in the fact that this communicates many possibilities, not just one lurking danger!